Settling in to our new normal

First of all, we want to thank each of you for taking the time to read & follow our blog. Having this blog throughout our adoption journey has been so healing and encouraging. We have been able to express our feelings so honestly, whether they are good or bad.
Thank you to those who have supported us in so many different ways, you know who you are. We are forever grateful. The outpouring support and love has just instilled in Bryan and I how we want to treat others and share the love and support like we have received.

I have still been struggling to put into words our story. One thing I know for sure is that God truly had this all planned out. I look back at the years of trying to get pregnant, the negative pregnancy tests, the awful depressive feelings after IVF failed twice. I look back and can see that God wasn't doing this to punish us, its because he knew what would be better for us. He knew that adoption was apart of our journey, he knew that Shane was going to be born and need a home. I literally tear up and have moments of catch my breath crying because I don't feel like we deserve Shane. He is by far the best thing that has ever happened in Bryan & I's life. He is the sweetest, funniest, and most handsome boy we have ever met, and for us to call him ours is truly overwhelming and crazy amazing. God knew we needed those hard times in order to truly appreciate what we have now.

If we can share our story and spread hope, thats another reason we know we went through what we did. We have been able to help so many people with infertility stories of struggle and wanting to give up. To be able to share faith and hope is truly amazing and we are so thankful for our journey.

With Mothers Day coming up on Sunday, I have spent the last week praying and being truly grateful for the amazing women in my life who are "mom". My mom is one of my best friends and I am so thankful we got to make her Nana. She is an amazing example of what a mom truly is. She has always been here for us and always knows what to say. Many parental relationships can be hard, but I am thankful for the relationship I have with my mom. I hope I am half the mother my mom was to me and my 2 siblings. So thankful that Shane gets to have her in his life and hear her voice and feel her love from a distance! I am thankful for my mother in law, aunts, cousins, and grandmas who have all played such a motherly role in my life. I am forever grateful.

Now to get to spend my first mothers day I am beyond excited, but I am also guarded as I remember the sad feelings I had the last couple years on this day. The longing to be a mother and to be reminded that I wasn't a mother was so devastating. I want those out their struggling to know that your time will come. Continue to put your faith in God and know that his plan is far greater then our own and it will all be worth it. I know its cliche to say it, but I TRULY believe it. You are loved, You are SOOO LOVED!

To Shane,

I am the luckiest mommy in the world because I have you. I promise to love you and tell you I love you every single day. I promise to smile and tell you how handsome you are! I promise to kiss your boo boos and be there for you every step of the way on your journey! You can do anything little man!

Love--your mommy <3

The post we have been waiting for!!

First of all, I want to thank everyone who has supported us in so many different ways throughout our adoption journey. It wasn't an easy wait, but now that our blessing is here....we understand why God had us wait for so long. 

I've waited awhile to post this blog post, because everything we have gone through this past month has been so difficult to put into words. I have felt emotions and feelings I never knew existed. Going back and thinking about the heartache after trying for a year with no success, going through the IUI & IVF treatments, the move to a whole new state to start over, the adoption paperwork, and the nervous anxious wait for "that"phone call. All of it was long and grueling, but I would totally do it all again. Period. Looking back we are embarrassed by what little trust we had in God's plan. I know its easy to say all this after the fact, but if I would do it all again; the most comforting aspect is knowing that God has got you. He had our little man planned for us LONG before Bryan and I even got married. He did not want us to have children of our own because he knew baby boy was meant for us. We had to grow in our faith in God, our faith & love with each other, and in ourselves first. 

On January 19th I received another match phone call from one of the birth specialists. She was very informative and gave me a lot of information regarding this opportunity. The one thing about this opportunity was that it was a 6 month old baby, not a newborn as we had thought we dreamed of. 

Once we were in contact with the birth family we knew that God had his hand in this situation. Because we had just gone through a disruption our hearts were guarded for sure of all the unknowns, but this time we felt the comfort in our decision to become parents in this way. 

On January 23rd we flew to baby boy's home state and settled into the thought of hopefully bringing a baby home. On January 24th, we met our baby boy and his birth family and completely fell in love. The interactions, hugs, & encouraging/positive words were so comfortable and natural that we knew this was just the beginning of an amazing relationship. 

We signed papers on January 26th and that is when he was officially in our hands :) Our adoption agency made everything so smooth and seamless that to this day I still cannot believe it all happened the way it did. We had to stay in the state for 2 weeks after papers were signed in order for the states to approve us to take a child across state lines. So we got to explore the place he was born and where the birth family was from! We also got to spend some amazing quality time with the birth family and get to know them and learn more about where baby boy came from. We feel so blessed about this open adoption and are so thankful baby boy with know all about his birth family and be able to have a relationship with them as well!

We not only gained a son, but we gained an extended family. The picture below is a picture of his birth mom's hand and mine with his holding on tightly. This picture just pulls at my heart strings as baby boy with know he has two momma's who both love him so gosh darn much. Love has a whole new meaning now and we are exploring that love and making sure baby boy knows how much he means to us. 

I probably won't post another blog post for a bit, but wanted to make sure I shared the good news! If you want to know his name, see pictures etc, let me know your phone number and I can invite you to use an app that privately shares our photos. 

Thank you again to everyone for your prayers, encouraging words, hugs, donations, gifts, and continuous support! We are forever grateful!

Sending all our love & Aloha

Bryan, Jen & Baby Boy Guderian

Adoption Opportunity One

Gosh...where to start...

It is true when they say you will recieve "the adoption call" when you least expect it. It was a busy week with deadlines to meet at work before the end of the year and we were preparing for family to come for the holidays.

On December 21st I received a voice message from our adoption agency saying a birth mom had picked Bryan and I to be her child's adoptive parents. All I remember was big smiles and my hands shaking like crazy when I learned more of the details and called Bryan to tell him the good news. I remember feeling excited, scared, nervous, and a bit overwhelmed. It took all of our might to not shout the good news from the mountain top! After the heartache in the past though, we made sure to guard our hearts.

Without getting into too much detail out of respect for the birth family. Bryan & I flew a week after receiving the opportunity call to Arizona for the birth of the baby. We spent a week in Arizona mainly being there for the support of the birth mother as she had a lot going on in her life. We never got to meet her in person, but we corresponded with her multiple times and she will always have a little piece of our hearts. From the moment she chose us as the adoptive parents for her son, we felt an instant connection and need to care for her as well.

After being in AZ for a week, we got word that baby was not going to be put up for adoption anymore, and the birth parents are going to parent. As heartbreaking as it was for us to have to go through constant anxiety & worry and then traveling home without a baby with all our baby stuff. We could not imagine the brave & selfless decisions that birth families make when they give their child up through adoption. When we opened up our hearts to the birth mothers situation, it made the realization of the wheel of emotions that she must go through. We are so thankful to have been chosen & given hope with this opportunity.

We know this adventure is an important step in our Hawaiian adventure. As much as we looooong to have a child, we are starting to more and more realize that it is not OUR plans, but GODS plans. I know God has a special child picked especially for our Guderian family. This child will be sooooooo loved, we just have to trust God's timing. But until then, don't get me wrong, we will still grieve, we will still cry, we will still be angry, we will still question God's plan, but we hope to grow in our faith and to truly trust God's plan.

This is just a small part in our story...to be continued...

While we were waiting anxiously for all the news we got the opportunity to explore Arizona and spent some great time with each other. Neither of us had ever been to Arizona so it was great for us to be able to explore for the week as well!
I guess you can say the holidays this year are going to be uniquely remembered. We are thankful for everyone's love and support and for giving us space so we can process everything. We hope to have a more successful adoption story in the near future, but we will see what God has planned. In the meantime, prayers are greatly appreciated.

Sending all our love & Aloha,

Bryan & Jen