Open vs. Closed Adoptions - Contact with Birth Parents

The topic of "open" vs. "closed" adoptions has an interesting history.

Prior to the 1980s, virtually all agency assisted adoptions were considered "closed," meaning that there was generally no contact or exchanged information between birth parents and the adoptive parents and child after the adoption takes place. The files were sealed. A prospective adoptive family often would not even know where the child came from or who the birthparents were. Even if they did know who the birthparents were, they would not stay in touch with them after the adoption took place. It was not uncommon for children to grow up not knowing they had been adopted, and much more common not to know who their birth parents were, especially before age 18. At that point, access to records would often be difficult at best.

Currently, however, less than 1 in 10 adoptions are closed. Meanwhile, open adoptions where adoptive parents actually meet and stay in touch with the birthparents have become increasingly common. Open adoption can include many degrees and variations of openness. The openness could include birthparents having a say in choosing their child's adoptive parents through viewing profiles and videos of prospective adoptive parents and choosing the family they feel most comfortable with (as is the case with our agency). It also can include birthparents and adoptive parents meeting and staying in touch frequently during the pregnancy if the birthparents have decided early enough on in the pregnancy. Many times adoptive parents are able to witness the child's birth. Some families stay in touch through their agency, such as sharing pictures and videos (super easy these days) on birthday's, holidays, etc. There may be occasional phone calls, emails, and even in person visits that are mutually agreed upon and managed by the agency as well.

Certainly the thought behind closed adoptions has some good intentions, including trying to "protect" the parties involved and "finalize" things so everyone can "move on." However, its seems life isn't always quite that simple for the parties involved. It often makes things more complicated and have a somewhat more negative impact to arguably the most important party involved: the child. It very much keeps them in the dark about their biological past, why they are in the situation they are in now, and if they will ever know where they came from.

On the other hand, an open adoption process can remove a lot of the mystery from the adoption process and actually permit a greater degree of control of the decision making process on the part of all parties involved. It can allow adoptive parents to better answer their child's questions about their birthparents, why they were adopted, what is their biological background. This can help better facilitate the child's ability to come to terms with being adopted as their concerns can be addressed by everyone who was involved in the adoption process with less of the shroud of mystery. The downsides? Certainly there can be fear that the birthparents will intrude or even seek to have the child returned to them. Perhaps there may be worry that the child will be more confused over who his or her "real" parents are.

We have discussed our willingness to be in an "open" adoption, but as I said before there are many levels of this which we will have to iron out closer to when the time comes. How much contact? How often? Visits in person? These are certainly not easy questions to know how to answer. It will not always be comfortable. But the important thing we have come to understand is that an open adoption, whatever level it ultimately is, can have very positive impacts on all parties involved. So, it is worth our efforts to remain considerate of the level of openness desired by the birthparents.

This whole journey has been so eye opening and has drawn us closer in our faith in God. We would be worried anxious wrecks if we had really any control in what child ends up with us. The really neat part about all this is how excited and humbled we are that God chose us to be on this journey and to provide a loving home to a child in need :)

More to come..
Aloha & love from our family to yours <3

HONU Puzzle Progress!

Bryan and I are so thankful for those who have graciously given to sponsor puzzle pieces to help us complete our family puzzle! We also want to thank those who have kept us in your prayers, it means so much!  We are so thankful to God that he knows what is best for us and we know he places each and every person in our lives there for a reason. We have made some amazing connections as to why he has put people in our lives and we are forever grateful!

Ever since starting this HONU adoption puzzle fundraiser we have had such a deeper meaning of giving. People giving of there money, of their kind words, their continued prayers, and their support. Thank you!

We want to be honest with you along the way as to where the money is going! The money that you give when you sponsor a puzzle piece goes directly into our adoption account. We use ONLY this money that we are saving and what we are fundraising in this account and it is ONLY used for our adoption expenses. So far expenses we have paid using this account includes:

• Adoption Pre-application- $195.00
• Filming company to put together adoption video- $1,300

One of the nice things about the adoption agency we chose is we pay as we go throughout the process. Some agencies you pay all up front and aren't really sure where all the money goes. The agency is open with us and we want to be honest with you as to where your sponsored dollars are going in helping us get one step closer to the family we've always dreamed of :)

Next future expenses will be for the home study which we are hoping to get done shortly after the new year! This usually costs between $1,000-$3,000. I will write a future post about the home study and what that entails when it gets closer! 

If after reading this and you want to give you can go to the original HONU adoption fundraiser post or just click the donate button in the top right hand corner of the blog and this will connect you directly to our paypal account. Otherwise feel free to email me at jkguderian@gmail.com and I will gladly send you our address!! 

Keep those prayers coming! <3 Again, thank you thank you thank you!!!

What love people have for our child that they/we haven't even met yet! We are so thankful!

Love and Aloha from our family to yours!

Online & Video Profiles

Another exciting step has been completed and checked off our list!! And many who know me know I love my lists and checking things off!! 

After we filled out our APQ online through the adoption agency, we began filling out our online adoption profile. What this mostly consists of is Bryan and I answering questions about ourselves. Whether it be questions regarding us together/individually, our families, our community, our childhoods, jobs, and so much more. They want to know as much about us as they can to portray what life would be like for a child coming into our home. This is the part I am continually working on and finding pictures that can be placed with certain questions they ask. In this section we have to write a letter to potential birth mothers, this is where I have been praying for the right words to say to someone that has such an amazing potential to be a big part of our lives. All this information will eventually be in a paper form of a way to "advertise" to potential birth mothers called an adoption portfolio. 

Now I am finally getting to the part where we accomplished something ;) The beginning of September we set up to have the filming company that works for our adoption agency send us equipment before we left on our vacation to Oregon & MN so we could film our adoption video! On September 30th we received our equipment to record our adoption video. It came with easy to read instructions, a video camera, a small tripod, & a charger. It gave the adoptive parents (Bryan & I) questions to answer in front of the camera. Questions like, Why do you want to become parents? What qualities in your spouse would make them a good parent? What are some things you like to do separately & together? The couples interview was a lot harder for Bryan and I then we thought. Describing a dream of becoming parents into a camera was actually quite intimidating. Mostly because I was picturing us sharing our story with a birth mom who is considering adoption, and just thinking the emotions she must be feeling was overwhelming. I was feeling so much more then what I could say or describe. But that's what is nice about a video because potential birth mothers have that chance to get to know you with you speaking to them, seeing your mannerisms, seeing the love in your eyes, rather then just reading about you on paper. 

We did a short video clip with us introducing Matti & Toby as they are also a part of our family! We were able to get segments of us just walking with the dogs on our normal evening walk path and even at one of our favorite beaches. The dogs did great, went in the water got all full of sand, showed their hawaiian true selves ;) 

Then we were able to take the video camera back to MN with us and get some heart warming footage with friends & family. Something the video really wanted us to do was get footage of us interacting with children. So because we have some great little friends we were able to spend one afternoon flying kites, reading books outside on a blanket, playing on a playground, playing chalk, and just getting to enjoy our time with the kiddos and at the same time get footage of us doing what we love to do :) We were also able to have a couple friends and family members answer some questions on camera which was so sweet. We feel so blessed to have people in our lives that help us through everyday life and big life changing milestones like this one :) After we got all the footage we needed including all the interviews we sent the video camera back to the filming company! See, check!! 

Now they have to do the hard part of putting together a 3 minute video with all that footage ;) Now we wait about a month and then the company sends us a draft and we can work with them to get things changed to how we would like! I'm so excited to see what they come up with! This video won't be played/shared with birth mothers until we are "active" with our profile. We don't know that timing just yet because of financing but we are hoping by this summer!

Progress of the HONU adoption puzzle coming soon :) So thankful for people continuing to sponsor puzzle pieces!! <3

Thanks for reading! Its been such amazing healing for me to be able to share our journey, so thank you! <3

Aloha & love from our family to yours!

Age & Medical history

Age of Child

Answering the question of how old of child do you want to adopt was a topic Bryan and I discussed for awhile. There are so many children in the world who need great loving homes and to put a limit on that was difficult for us. We went back and forth but ultimately prayed on the decision. We decided to be flexible with the age but we prefer a child under 6 months. We would love to start with a child Day 1, the day they are born to be there for them from the very start. We want to be able to be there for their firsts and to encourage them in their growth & faith. We want to help and encourage them with whatever talents and goals they have and want to pursue. On our application, we did say we were flexible as we know there are all types of situations and times a birth mother can give her child up for adoption. Basically we will see if any matches come about, and God will lead us where we are supposed to be and the family we are supposed to build. 

Maternal History

Another question many people have asked about is regarding maternal medical history/drug history. 

This part took a bit more compromise. I think Bryan and I being in the medical fields made it somewhat challenging to decide how flexible to be with some of the medical and drug history a birth mother may provide. With Bryan's background working in the hospital setting, there is an understanding that medical issues, including drug use, are present a lot more than what we may believe, even within our own families and communities that we may think are "healthy." With my background as an OB nurse, I have seen babies come off of drugs after being born and it is so heartbreaking. At the same time, it is so important for these children to have an environment from now on to guide them down a more positive path. Ultimately, we cannot control what the birth mother puts in her body, nor how open, honest and understanding they may be in their medical/drug history reporting. What we can have some control over is the environment and care for the baby after being born, particularly if we are able to adopt a baby in the less than 6 months age range. This helped us come to the decision of being somewhat flexible with much of the medical history & drug history of the birth mother at this point.

We have just returned to Hawaii after a wonderful 2 weeks on the mainland! Currently we are still working on our online profile and we just submitted our video camera with clips and interviews to be put together into a video profile for mothers to view. I will explain more about this process in our next post! 

In the mean time we ask for prayers as we continue to ask God for guidance in this journey. Only he knows whats in store :) 

I will post a picture of the HONU puzzle and its progress soon! Its looking great and we are so thankful for those have sponsored a piece, it means so much to us, we love you! If you want to read more about this puzzle check out our blog post HONU adoption puzzle fundraiser. 

Aloha & love from our family to yours! 

Which Race?

I have to say, both of us growing up in small towns in MN, we were very sheltered to the world of diversity and different cultures. Don't get me wrong, we are so thankful for where we grew up and what we were surrounded by because it shaped our childhoods. We were surrounded by predominantly “white” families and midwest culture. This is not necessarily a bad thing. However, in a country that is experiencing a lot turmoil over race, or just individual identity in general, it reminds us how grateful we have been to branch out and experience different places, different people, different cultures, to hopefully gain more appreciation and respect for our diverse world.

We are now so very thankful to be able to experience living in a different state and to learn so much about the culture, foods, and people of Hawaii. In Hawaii, white/caucasian is essentially a minority group (about 25% of the population is “white”), whereas the “Asian” race (highest amounts being Filipino and Japanese) is more prevalent (about 39%). Perhaps more interesting is near 25% that would consider themselves “2 races or more.” This, along with a 10% Native Hawaiian population, makes for an interesting mix of food, cultural activities, and we think some the most tolerance and understanding when it comes to dealing with people that are different than you. Perhaps it’s partially because it’s sort of normal to be different here. We have really grown and are so thankful for the opportunity to live in Hawaii. 

Essentially, moving here has guided us in the decision to be open to any race. We have promised ourselves that whatever their culture is we will teach them where they came from. And because we are certainly not the best sources to learn about another culture other than our own, we will allow for opportunities for them to embrace their heritage and hopefully engage regularly with people who can help them better understand their background.

We know God has his hand in bringing a child to our home and we trust that he will guide us in the child's upbringing and growth! We are so excited to see whats in store for our little family!

Puzzle pieces still available to sponsor if interested! :) See post HONU adoption puzzle fundraiser for more details!! 

Aloha & love from our family to yours!