Open vs. Closed Adoptions - Contact with Birth Parents

The topic of "open" vs. "closed" adoptions has an interesting history.

Prior to the 1980s, virtually all agency assisted adoptions were considered "closed," meaning that there was generally no contact or exchanged information between birth parents and the adoptive parents and child after the adoption takes place. The files were sealed. A prospective adoptive family often would not even know where the child came from or who the birthparents were. Even if they did know who the birthparents were, they would not stay in touch with them after the adoption took place. It was not uncommon for children to grow up not knowing they had been adopted, and much more common not to know who their birth parents were, especially before age 18. At that point, access to records would often be difficult at best.

Currently, however, less than 1 in 10 adoptions are closed. Meanwhile, open adoptions where adoptive parents actually meet and stay in touch with the birthparents have become increasingly common. Open adoption can include many degrees and variations of openness. The openness could include birthparents having a say in choosing their child's adoptive parents through viewing profiles and videos of prospective adoptive parents and choosing the family they feel most comfortable with (as is the case with our agency). It also can include birthparents and adoptive parents meeting and staying in touch frequently during the pregnancy if the birthparents have decided early enough on in the pregnancy. Many times adoptive parents are able to witness the child's birth. Some families stay in touch through their agency, such as sharing pictures and videos (super easy these days) on birthday's, holidays, etc. There may be occasional phone calls, emails, and even in person visits that are mutually agreed upon and managed by the agency as well.

Certainly the thought behind closed adoptions has some good intentions, including trying to "protect" the parties involved and "finalize" things so everyone can "move on." However, its seems life isn't always quite that simple for the parties involved. It often makes things more complicated and have a somewhat more negative impact to arguably the most important party involved: the child. It very much keeps them in the dark about their biological past, why they are in the situation they are in now, and if they will ever know where they came from.

On the other hand, an open adoption process can remove a lot of the mystery from the adoption process and actually permit a greater degree of control of the decision making process on the part of all parties involved. It can allow adoptive parents to better answer their child's questions about their birthparents, why they were adopted, what is their biological background. This can help better facilitate the child's ability to come to terms with being adopted as their concerns can be addressed by everyone who was involved in the adoption process with less of the shroud of mystery. The downsides? Certainly there can be fear that the birthparents will intrude or even seek to have the child returned to them. Perhaps there may be worry that the child will be more confused over who his or her "real" parents are.

We have discussed our willingness to be in an "open" adoption, but as I said before there are many levels of this which we will have to iron out closer to when the time comes. How much contact? How often? Visits in person? These are certainly not easy questions to know how to answer. It will not always be comfortable. But the important thing we have come to understand is that an open adoption, whatever level it ultimately is, can have very positive impacts on all parties involved. So, it is worth our efforts to remain considerate of the level of openness desired by the birthparents.

This whole journey has been so eye opening and has drawn us closer in our faith in God. We would be worried anxious wrecks if we had really any control in what child ends up with us. The really neat part about all this is how excited and humbled we are that God chose us to be on this journey and to provide a loving home to a child in need :)

More to come..
Aloha & love from our family to yours <3